你的家長對你講過的最搞笑/糟糕的謊言是什么？
What is the most ridiculous/fucked up lie your parents told you?
譯文簡介
有些騙小孩兒的招數(shù)還真的挺國際化的。
正文翻譯
What is the most ridiculous/fucked up lie your parents told you?
你的家長對你講過的最搞笑/糟糕的謊言是什么？
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That if I didn't brush my teeth, tiny teeth goblins would sneak into my room at night and pull out my teeth while I slept. I was genuinely afraid of the teeth goblins.
要是我不刷牙，小小的牙齒哥布林就會半夜里我睡覺的時候偷偷潛入我的房間。我特別特別害怕牙齒哥布林。
Did you believe in the tooth fairy? If so how did you feel about it?
你相信牙齒仙女嗎？假如你相信的話，你覺得怎么樣？
I didn't have a problem with the tooth fairy because at least she paid me for my teeth and didn't yank them out herself.
我對牙齒仙女倒沒什么問題，因為至少她會花錢買我的牙，并且不會親手撬出來。
Not too fucked up, but ridiculous. When I was little, my mom told me if I didn't finish my dinner my stomach would get very hungry and come up and eat my brain. A few nights later I woke her up at midnight crying because my stomach growled and I needed a second dinner or it would eat my brain.
倒不至于太草蛋，不過很搞笑。在我很小的時候，我媽媽跟我說假如我不吃完晚飯的話，我的胃就會特別餓，餓到跑上去把我的腦子吃了。過了幾天晚上我半夜哭著把我媽媽叫醒，因為我的肚子叫了，我得趕緊再吃一頓晚飯不然胃就要吃我的腦子了。
I love how this plan horribly backfired on her lol
我喜歡她的這個說謊卻走火打到自己身上的結(jié)局哈哈哈
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As a parent, I would literally never stop kicking myself for this fuck up.
作為家長，我真的會因為這次搞砸了而永遠(yuǎn)提醒自己的。
What makes it even worse is the first time you tell a child something, they assume that's the truth and lock it in. Something silly like this said in passing can take days if not weeks to reverse
讓它看起來更糟糕的事情在于，你第一次告訴孩子某件事，他們就覺得那是真理，就深信不疑了。這種不經(jīng)意說出來的蠢話往往會花幾天甚至幾星期的時間反轉(zhuǎn)。
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You just gave me a really weird flashback to when I was a kid and I had to have my kidney taken out because it was obstructed and was making me ill. I couldn't have solid food for a few days after the surgery, so my parents bought a bunch of supermarket ready-meals (I even remember the brand - it was Blue Parrot Cafe) and ran them through the blender into a paste for me to eat.
你讓我產(chǎn)生了非常怪的閃回，在我還是個孩子的時候，我得把一個腎摘除，因為阻塞了，讓我病得厲害。我做完手術(shù)有好幾天都只能吃流食，于是我父母給我買了一大包超市的即食餐點（我甚至記得牌子——是藍(lán)鸚鵡Cafe），把它放到攪拌機里攪成糊糊給我吃。
問題在于我特別喜歡吃那東西，所以我康復(fù)之后好幾個月都一直在管他們要那些打成糊的速食。他們后來把那個做成獎勵了，就比如我表現(xiàn)得好，我就可以拿那個當(dāng)茶喝哈哈
A lot more tame than the other ones here but my mum once told me not to sleep on my left cos that causes pressure on your heart. Not sure how true that was but I was nervous for years whenever I had to sleep on my left side.
比很多其他人分享的要溫和得多，我媽媽有一次跟我說不要朝左側(cè)臥，會壓迫心臟。我不確定那是真是假，但此后好幾年只要我朝左側(cè)臥，我就特別緊張。
Pregnant people are actually told to sleep on their left side because it’s better for circulation.
懷孕的人實際上是被建議朝左側(cè)臥的，因為有利于血液循環(huán)。
It's also better for digestion (in all people, not just pregnant women)
對消化也更好（所有人都是如此，不止孕期婦女）
I've actually heard the opposite, that it's better to sleep on your left. It's good for your digestive system and can even reduce things such as heart burn.
我聽說的倒恰恰與之相反，最好是朝左睡。對消化系統(tǒng)有好處，甚至可以減少燒心之類事情的發(fā)生。
That my siblings and I had a sister named Alice. Apparently she wouldn't stop talking in the car so they dropped her off on the side of the road.. never spoke on road trips ever again.
他們騙我說我有個姐姐叫愛麗絲。她總是在車上說話，于是他們就把她扔到路邊了。此后再也沒在自駕游的時候說過話。
My parents had a similar thing. They would threaten to leave myself and my brother at a "bad boys school" ran by Mrs. Mullins if we didn't behave in the car
我父母也做過類似的事情。他們威脅我和我兄弟，假如在車上不好好表現(xiàn)的話，就把我們兩個送到穆林斯太太開的“壞男孩學(xué)校”去。
你可以想象一下在我上了初中之后，發(fā)現(xiàn)老師的名字是穆林斯太太的時候我有多害怕。
My Dad told me exactly the same thing. He said I had an older sister named Matilda, but she kept screaming in the car so he dropped her off at the side of the road and left her there. It didn't stop me screaming in the car until one day he actually stopped the car and told me to get out. He only drove 10m away but I never screamed in the car again.
我爸爸也跟我講過一模一樣的話。他說我有個叫瑪?shù)贍栠_的姐姐，她一直在車上尖叫，于是他把她扔在路邊再也沒管過。這并沒阻止我在車?yán)锝又?，直到有一天他真的把車停下來告訴我下車。他只往前開了十米遠(yuǎn)，但在那之后我再也沒在車?yán)锝泻斑^。
My mom would do this in general while we were going places. She would make us 3 kids run behind the car. We lived in the middle of nowhere and she would get mad at us and tell us to get out, and then drive off, we would try to keep up but she was obviously gone. She'd go a few concession roads away and wait at a stop sign. We would be so glad to get in the car that we stayed quiet and didn't say a word the whole way home.
基本上只要我們出門，我媽媽都會做這種事。她會讓我們?nèi)齻€孩子在車后頭跑。我們住在荒無人煙的地方，她會對我們非常生氣，讓我們下車，然后把車開走。我們盡力追著車跑，不過她顯然把車開走了。她會開出好幾個路口去，然后在一個停車標(biāo)志那里停下。我們能重新上車都特別開心，于是我們都安安靜靜的，一路回家都一句話也不說。
around the time Toy Story first came out, my dad drove an Infiniti and he told us that he could press a button and go “to infinity and beyond” to jump over other cars. he’d have us close our eyes and press the button and he’d speed up and pass the car in front of us while our eyes were closed. as a kid i was d u m b f o u n d e d and thought he was magic. it’s actually a nice memory compared to the other ones on here lol
在《玩具總動員》剛上映的時候，我爸開的是一輛英菲尼迪，他跟我們說只要他按一個按鈕，車子就能“飛向宇宙，浩瀚無垠”，從別的車頭頂上飛過去。他會讓我們把眼睛閉好，然后按下按鈕，然后他會趁我們的眼睛閉著的時候踩油門超過前面的車。還小的時候我簡直驚呆了，我以為他會魔法。其實比起這里的其他人來說算是很好的記憶哈哈哈哈
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My dad told us, my brother and I, that he could tell what card we were holding just by looking at the back of it. So we would hold up a card from the deck, we would hide it from him, we got creative, trying to trick him and he would still be able to tell us which card it was! I remember spending hours with my brother and a magnifier trying to figure out how he could tell which card we were holding up. In my 30s my mother finally admitted that she was always standing behind us and telling him! We had no idea she would betray us. It’s one of the good memories of him thankfully, there’s a lot of bad ones but that one always makes me smile.
我爸爸跟我們，我兄弟和我，說他只要看牌背就能猜出來我們手里拿的是什么牌。于是我們隨便從牌堆里抽一張，我們把它藏起來，我們想方設(shè)法地想要騙他，但他仍然能告訴我們那張牌是什么！我記得我跟兄弟拿著個放大器還在找他是怎么看出來我們的牌的。到我30多歲的時候我媽媽終于承認(rèn)是她一直站在我們背后告訴他的！我們根本沒想到她會背叛我們。值得慶幸的是這是他給我們留下的美好回憶之一，雖然也有很多糟糕的回憶，但那一段永遠(yuǎn)會讓我笑出來。
Not quite the same but whenever my brother or I would sit in the front seat with my dad he would say, let’s try something, and said he would close his eyes and my brother or I would have to tell him where to steer. Of course he would only close his right eye but we would frequently help him “navigate” home and he would play it up by veering too far to the shoulder or stuff like that. Always made it home without incident though.
并不完全一樣，我和兄弟坐在副駕駛位置，我爸開車的時候，他會說，咱玩?zhèn)€東西，說他會閉上眼睛，讓我和我兄弟告訴他往哪邊打方向盤。當(dāng)然他肯定會只把右眼閉上，但我們經(jīng)常都會幫他“導(dǎo)航”到家里，他還會猛打方向盤讓車開到馬路牙子上之類的來騙我們。但每次到家都什么事兒也沒有。
Oh! I've done this with my kids lol occasionally I would "miss" a turn and go too far.
哦！我跟我家孩子也做過這樣的事哈哈哈有的時候我會“錯過”一個該拐彎的地方，開太遠(yuǎn)。
我做過的另一件事是有一次他們拿著一張“藏寶圖”過來找我，雖然上面只是一堆亂七八糟的線和一個叉，但我跟他們說我們按著地圖走，看看有沒有寶物。我保證跟著他們的指示走（基本如此），往左拐往右拐，但總之是沿著那條往城外的加油站走的路。我花了很大功夫才說服他們那個叉就正好在加油站（多么詭異的巧合呀?。缓笪覀冞M去問他們有沒有寶物。我拿著福袋（加油站會把隨機的糖果和玩具放到袋子里賣）和思樂冰飲料出來，當(dāng)做他們的“寶物”
我家孩子知道今天還在聊那張超棒的藏寶圖哈哈哈。
I love this! Your kids are going to remember this wonderful memory about you for the rest if their lives!
我喜歡這個！你家孩子這輩子都會記住這個關(guān)于你的美好記憶的！
You sound like a good parent. Things like that can really make an impact on a kid!
你聽起來像個好家長。這種事情真的可以給孩子帶來很大的影響！
This is sweet. And harmless. Thanks for the smile
這真可愛。并且無害。謝謝你為我?guī)砦⑿?/b>
My dad died in a car accident a few years ago. And till this day my mom says that he is still on vacation.
我爸幾年前出車禍死了。直到今天我媽媽還在說他在度假。
我不知道這是不是她用來對付的手段，但我還沒說過什么。
I hope your mom has sought some counseling in the aftermath of everything. Losing a parent or spouse suddenly is a seriously traumatic thing
我希望你母親在事情都結(jié)束之后咨詢過別人。突然間失去父母或者伴侶是非常嚴(yán)重的創(chuàng)傷
We used to have a farm when I was a kid. My uncle gave me few hens he had and I told my dad that I want them to have baby chicks and sell them. He told me we need to buy you a rooster for your hens. I said why? They lay eggs and they don’t need to have a male around. He told me the eggs won’t be fertile and will never hatch.
我家在我小的時候有個農(nóng)場。我叔叔給了我?guī)字荒鸽u，我跟我爸爸說我想讓它們孵出小雞來賣。他跟我說我們得給你的母雞買一只公雞。我說為什么呀？他們自己也會下蛋，也不需要公雞在一邊。他說那樣的雞蛋是不會受精的，也不會孵出來。
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——“但公雞做什么能讓它們孵出小雞來呀？”
——“他用嘴啄母雞的后脖頸”
——“那我拿一根針也能天天都這么干！”
——“然后他在母雞的屁股里放屁”
我記得最糟的事情是我們回家之后我跟我媽媽講我最近的發(fā)現(xiàn)……
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It's not that far from the truth. Chickens (male and female) have just one orifice, so it can be classified as a 'butt'. Also, ejaculation from that one orifice certainly may be considered a shart.
距離事實也并不遠(yuǎn)。雞（公雞和母雞）都只有一條泄殖腔，所以當(dāng)成“屁股”也沒問題。還有，從泄殖腔里射出來的東西當(dāng)然也可以說成是帶屎的屁。
That my eyes turn orange when I lie. So I covered my eyes when I lied so my mom couldn’t see them turn fcking orange.
我撒謊的時候眼睛會變成橘黃色。于是每次我跟媽媽說謊的時候我都把眼睛閉上，這樣我媽就看不見我的眼睛變黃了。
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that’s.. actually really smart of your mom
這……你媽媽真的很聰明
My dad would say 'I'm going to ask you a question, but keep in mind, I already know the answer.'
我爸會說“我要問你個問題，但記住了，我早就知道答案了”
特別有用；我知道我的概率是五五開，并且假如我猜錯了我就不可能看電視了，所以我都嚇傻了。這種帶著恐慌的安靜就足夠讓他知道是怎么回事了。
編輯：當(dāng)然我點贊最多的評論是關(guān)于我父親帶孩子的方法的。他會很驕傲的。被我媽踢了之后，他一個人干四份工作養(yǎng)大兩個孩子，很堅強的男人。為我爸喝彩！
That it’s illegal to turn the light on in the car while driving.
開車的時候把車?yán)锩娴臒舸蜷_是違法的
I was told this as well and it wasn’t until I was an adult that I found out it was a lie.
小時候爸媽也這么告訴我的，但其實不是，我長大之后才發(fā)現(xiàn)那是騙人的。
Wait. That’s a lie?
等等。那是騙人的？
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Yes, but it can be dangerous. Basically your windows can act like a one way mirror, it's dark outside and light inside so the windows become more reflective
沒錯，但確實可能很危險。簡單來說你的車窗會像單向鏡一樣，外面暗里面亮，所以窗戶的反射率會更高。
My mom lied about my father's death for 9 years in till my brother posted the anniversary of him hanging himself (he's my half brother same dad different mom)
我媽媽瞞了我父親的死訊九年，直到有一天我兄弟發(fā)了他自殺的周年紀(jì)念日（他是我同父異母的兄弟）
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A lot of these are sad so here’s a silly nice one: My birthday is the 11th of July. The gas station 7/11 gives away free slushies on 7/11. At 7, 8, & 9 years old my parents just told me that the 7/11 wanted to celebrate my birthday by giving me free slushies and I did not question it. I thought the gas station just really liked me
這里好多都挺傷心的，那我發(fā)一個傻乎乎好玩的吧：我生日是7月11日。加油站的7/11便利店在7月11日會發(fā)放免費的冰沙。在七歲，八歲和九歲的時候，我家長就跟我說7/11是想要慶祝我的生日才給我發(fā)免費的冰沙的，我深信不疑。我以為那個加油站特別喜歡我。
My dad once told me if I didn’t say a single word the whole way home, he’d take me to Arby’s. In the driveway, I came to the realization that we couldn’t go to Arby’s, as we were home.
我爸爸有一次跟我說假如我在回家的路上一個字也不說，他就會帶我去Arby's吃漢堡。開到車庫門口了，我突然發(fā)現(xiàn)我們?nèi)ゲ涣薃rby's了，因為我們到家了。
我：我們?nèi)ゲ涣肆?，對嗎?/b>
他：呀，你剛才說話了，那就不去了唄。
When I was younger i learned that mushrooms were a fungus and refused to eat them. My dad made me some soup with mushrooms in it and i threw a fit about eating it, so he inspected the bowl and told me they were whale toes.
我小的時候，得知蘑菇是一種真菌之后我就不愿意吃。我爸爸有一次做了碗蘑菇湯，我大發(fā)脾氣，于是他看了眼湯碗，跟我說那是鯨魚的腳指頭。
顯然我的年齡已經(jīng)大到知道蘑菇是種真菌了，但還沒大到知道鯨魚沒有腳。>_<
When my parents didn't want to go through the effort of having me join a sport or a club at school, they just told me I would be terrible at it and should give up.
我父母不愿意費力氣幫我加入運動社團或別的社團的時候，他們直接告訴我我會做得很爛，不如直接放棄。
My cat died and my mom told me that he moved to Florida.
我家貓死了，媽媽告訴我他搬到佛羅里達去住了。
編輯：謝謝你們的點贊。Teddy的魂現(xiàn)在很舒服。他說“喵”，大概意思是“謝了老鐵，我不愿意住那兒。”
It's not that fucked up but it's kind of a revenge story. When I was very young my parents told me I couldn't get carbonated soft drinks cause they said it was bad for me and I could die. Mind you I was an hyperactive kid at the time.
倒沒那么糟心，不過算是復(fù)仇成功的故事吧。我特別小的時候家長跟我說我不能喝碳酸軟飲料，因為他們說那玩意兒對我不好，我會死。提前說一句，我當(dāng)時是個特別活潑的孩子。
于是我想出了個絕妙的電子，我和我媽住，我爸每周末來接我。我的計劃是周五晚上爸爸來接我的時候，我跟他說“我媽給我可口可樂喝了，因為她說沒事反正你要去你爸那兒去了”。于是我爸就接受了我給他下的這個虛假的挑戰(zhàn)。等到周日的晚上我爸就在我下車之前給了我一瓶一升的七喜。我就很興奮，我媽問我你怎么了？我的說法跟之前一樣“我爸給我七喜喝了，因為他說反正你之后要去你媽那兒”然后我媽也接受了這個挑戰(zhàn)。
他們從來都沒公開說過這件事，好像這是一場戰(zhàn)爭而我是武器一樣。他們不知道的是我才是背后的真正主使者。我復(fù)仇成功了，我喝到碳酸軟飲料了，并且?guī)啄旰笪腋嬖V他們的時候他們才知道真相。
Kinda a funny one. I grew up on a farm with cattle and we had 2 dogs. I had really bad allergies growing up and was allergic to everything with a fur coat but I still hugged our dogs and kept getting sick over it. So to prevent from hugging or playing with our dogs my mom told my that by doing so would make them want to chase cows and getting our cows worked up was a no no. So I stop hugging with the dogs in order to make them stop chasing cows. Funny thing is that now when I bring that up my mom doesn't even remember telling me that
我這個其實挺有趣的。我在農(nóng)場長大，那里有牛和兩只狗。我小的時候有很嚴(yán)重的過敏，長毛的一切東西我都過敏，但我仍然喜歡抱我家狗子，哪怕抱完就難受。所以為了讓我不再抱狗或者跟狗玩，我媽媽跟我說我這樣做的話狗就會想要追牛，而讓牛動起來是絕對不行的。搞笑的是現(xiàn)在我跟我媽講，她都完全不記得跟我說過這件事。
Not really messed up but I was told that watermelon seeds would grow inside me and sprout out of my head if I swallowed them. Needless to say, I cried until I threw up when I accidentally swallowed watermelon seeds.
并不算特別糟糕，爸媽跟我說我要是把西瓜籽吞進去的話，它會在我身體里長大，最后從我腦袋里長出來。不用說，我不小心吞了西瓜籽之后哭到吐。
That if I ate too many candy ants would come out of my ass
假如我吃太多糖，螞蟻就會從我屁股里爬出來。
More ridiculous than anything else, but my dad told me that if I drank Mountain Dew, I wouldn’t be able to have kids. For a solid three or four days, I was really sad about never having kids, until he finally told me.
比別的都搞笑，我爸跟我說假如我喝激浪的話，我就生不了孩子。有那么三四天，我都因為以后再也不能有孩子而非常難過，直到他跟我說清楚。
現(xiàn)在想來很搞笑，但那幾天我真的超級難受。
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Wholesome one : I grew up with my grandparents for some years and we would always drive this specific route to visit family in Arizona. I would often ride shotgun with my Grandpa since everyone else would want to sleep during the drive.
講個健全的：我跟我爺爺奶奶住了幾年，我們總是會沿著同一條路開到我在亞利桑那的家。我經(jīng)常和爺爺坐副駕駛，因為別人都想睡覺。
在路上他會說“我聞到水了?！比缓笪覀兛隙〞_過一片水域，我當(dāng)時就感覺“媽耶！酷！”他經(jīng)常這么干，我一直以為我爺爺對水非常敏感。
到20歲之后，我回憶起這件事的時候，才想起來他在騙我們，他只不過是記住了那條路上我們什么時候會經(jīng)過水而已。
"Our tv is not compatible with a Nintendo 64."
“我們家電視不兼容N64。”
過了好幾年，我媽都因為拿這種理由騙到了我特別自豪。
That if threw rocks at night, little people would come and take me away. They told me thats what happened to our neighbors kid
假如我在晚上扔石頭，就會有小人兒過來把我?guī)ё撸従蛹业暮⒆泳褪沁@么沒的。
他們只是搬走了
When I was a kid my mum told me that drinking coke caused cancer. Pretty sure she was just trying to keep me from consuming too many soft drinks.
我小的時候媽媽跟我說喝可樂會致癌。我敢肯定她只是不想讓我喝太多軟飲料而已。
Not sure if this counts but whenever I wanted to stay home by myself, my mom would say that I HAVE to come otherwise the police will know that I'm not with them.
不知道這個算不算，但我想自己一個人待在家里的時候，我媽媽都會說我必須過來，要不然警察會知道我沒跟著他們在一起的。
那他媽怎么可能，根本看不見警察。
順便這是很久以前了
You can only get Happy Meals on your birthday.
只有在過生日的那天才能吃開心樂園餐。
編輯：謝謝你們的點贊。我就知道我不是一個人。
Parent here.. I used to sneakily switch off the TV when my 2 year old wasn't watching, and look up from my book surprised and say, "Oh, the TV's run out of battery! Let's give it time to charge.."
我是個家長……我會趁我的兩歲孩子沒看見的時候偷偷把電視關(guān)掉，然后驚訝地抬起頭來說，“哦，電視沒電啦！讓我們給它點時間充會兒電吧……”
她有一次去朋友家玩，回來之后說她看了好多集小豬佩奇，他們家電視從來都沒沒電過！
Our house was always hot in the summer. At 11, I finally got tired of lying awake sweating, so I pulled a box fan out of the closet and turned it on.
我們家的房子在夏天一直很熱。11歲那年我實在受不了躺在床上一邊出汗一邊睡不著了，于是我從柜子里拖出一個電風(fēng)扇來吹。
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半夜我媽媽把它關(guān)了，然后把我叫醒，跟我說不許用。她說我朋友左半邊臉不能動，眼睛斜視的原因就是睡覺的時候吹風(fēng)扇著涼了。
過了好幾年我才發(fā)現(xiàn)我那個朋友是得了中風(fēng)，并且我爸媽床的頭頂上就有個風(fēng)扇，天天晚上吹。
One day I was eating chocolates then why father told me don't eat or insect will come out of ur mouth .(if u eat many chocolates)
有一天我在吃巧克力，然后我爸跟我說別吃，不然（假如我吃太多巧克力的話）就會有蟲子從我的嘴里跑出來。
于是我開始吃蟲子……
When my brother and I were young, we had a pet rabbit, who lived in a pen in the backyard. My father had some seedling trees, also growing in the backyard. One night she got out, ate the tops of the seedlings, killing them all, and was subsequently “given away.” When I got older and got a firmer grasp on my parents’ personalities, I realized that we had been fed that rabbit as fried chicken.
在我和我兄弟還小的時候，我們養(yǎng)了一只寵物兔，住在后院的窩里。我爸種了幾株樹苗，也在后院。有天晚上兔子跑出去了，把樹苗的尖都吃了，樹苗都死了，于是兔子就被“送走”了。長大之后，隨著我對父母的性格更加了解，我意識到那天吃的炸雞就是那只兔子。